How NOT to Play Badminton

I can't decide what is more aggravating about our winters – the absence of snow, the lack professionalism in playing badminton, or the foul stench of mula. While mula will be cooked regardless of nationwide protests, I can contribute to making badminton less of a "Hey it's a seasonal sport, let's play it casually" and more of a "NO WE MAKE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALISTS OUT OF EVERY NINE YEAR OLDS".

So sit tight, wrap your shawl and listen up.

Don't just swat the cork

Badminton isn't about strength. It's about speed, stamina and tactics. Ever faced someone who condescendingly commented that badminton is a "woman's game"? He's the manly man who just couldn't suppress his manly arms from shooting the cork outside the court every time. His condescension comes from not being given a chance to play all evening. Play smart, utilise the gaps, assess the opponents' formation and weaknesses, and you won't ever be called a loser or misogynist.

Don't do overhand serves

If you do overhand serves, Roger Federer will be very proud of you. You know who won't be? The people you're playing with. You know why? Because they came to play badminton and not tennis. There's one huge difference between these two games that you may not have noticed – tennis isn't dominated by the Chinese.

Don't lie and make excuses

I've seen too many games getting spoiled and friendships breaking irreparably because the two teams saw the cork land on different sides of the court. We all know one of them was lying. Don't be that person.

Also, it's bad enough that you missed a shot or mishit it, don't make it worse by blaming the wind or the lights or any other force of nature.

Don't buy cheap rackets

The shop that sells bashmoti chaal and salted biscuits isn't supposed to have good rackets. What were you even thinking? Go to a sporting goods shop. Analyse all the rackets, touch the strings to see if you have a spiritual connection with it and make occasional discussion about the geopolitical influence of badminton with the shopkeeper. After that buy the one with the coolest cover. 

Don't make cork jokes

This isn't 1908. Stop making cork jokes. Just because it resembles the name of a domesticated bird with a very different meaning in urban culture doesn't mean it's funny. If you stop laughing at the "just bought this cork, now I have two *wink wink*" joke you just made, you'll find everyone surrounding you considering their rackets as murder weapons. 

Don't not curse

Badminton is a game of passion. Your signature smash hit the net? The cork hit the edge of your racket and dropped outside the court? Your teammate messed up? Scream out profanity, unleash your inner kamla, make your boro bhai proud, make it awkward for the passing uncles and aunties, educate the kids in the general vicinity.

Fatiul Huq Sujoy is a tired soul (mostly because of his frail body) who's patiently waiting for Hagrid to appear and tell him, "Ye're a saiyan, lord commander." Suggest him places to travel and food-ventures to take at fb.com/SyedSujoy.