Your average swim squad

The Michael Phelps wannabe

I'm here trying to subtly impress people by holding my breath underwater for 30 seconds and this person comes in with their impeccable shape and torso chiseled to perfection. They proceed to demonstrate six different swimming techniques at once, stealing my bling just like that. Even if you don't want to race, they're already one lane past you. They even resort to making you feel inferior by straining their fingers to touch the wall first. You'd want to drown them, but I'm pretty certain they'll retaliate by looking even cooler. Move over, swank, this place is for the amateurs. 

The senior discussion club

No circle of trust is holier than the bhabi gossip circle in the middle of the pool where they'll be the most difficult to swim around. There's also a group of pensioners, who decided to start debating about all things politics that must not be interrupted. These senior citizen groups move at a 2 lap per hour rate, and grow at a degree of a new member every five minutes. And when they do decide to bless us with actual movement, they'll move at a glacial, sloth like pace. Oh, did you want to just float there like a lifeless corpse drifting off to sea? One word - bathtub.

The couple

Ah, nothing like romancing in the pool. The chloramine water, the serenity, the crowd of twenty other people of different ages gawking at them with impatience and distaste. She's a pretty girl and he's her man. Together they do a fine job of reminding you of your loneliness.

The overly friendly creep

One hour in the pool with them and you will be interrogated about your life, family background and your deepest secrets. And once word has been shared, you two are now best friends, bonded by the chlorine infused water. There's no getting rid of this creep now. You never know if he's practicing holding his breath, or checking you out underwater with 3D goggles.

The trespasser 

Bro, see those dividers on either side of you? Don't be waddling all over the place like it's your boro dada's property. Even if it is, have some respect for your fellow swimmers. Stay in your lane. 

The accessory inventory 

With their swim caps, goggles, kick board, flippers, ear plugs, water bottle, workout bag, arm floaties, stopwatch, hat, sunscreen, and flip-flops, these people need to calm down. I'm here in just my tights and googles and I'm swimming just fine. 

The human hurricane 

Now these people are a force to be reckoned with. Exasperated breathing, legs kicking uncontrollably, arms splashing water in everyone else's faces. Five minutes later the supposed deep end of the pool reaches your waist and they just continue thrashing the water. 

Samin Sabah Islam is on a quest to find the perfect diet while simultaneously drooling over pizza. Throw her some tips at [email protected]