How to Get a Life

Warning: Getting a life may involve stepping outside your house for a change. With all the countless hours spent in the dark playing video games or watching Star Wars, the sudden gust of light as you step out into the sun may damage your delicate retina. 

You might ask yourself, "Do I need to get a life? Is this article for me? Did I forget to save my game?" If you rush back to your computer to find out all your progress has been lost keep reading. 

GETTING YOURSELF READY

To account for the lack of human contact since forever, you need to prepare yourself both physically and mentally before you can interact with another fellow human being in person. Yes, in person. No more hiding behind screens and talking to people in your underwear. It is vital that you put on some pants.

Maybe in the perfect world you could roam around the streets wearing whatever you please. But as Augustus Waters told us again and again, "The world is not a wish granting factory". In this dystopian reality you need to put on those pants.

HYGIENE AND DIET

Now that you look like a normal functioning adult, it's time to start behaving as one. Yes, it is exactly as tough as it sounds. Your diet may no longer consist of carbonated beverages, coffee, and potato chips. They have to be replaced with other food groups such as fruits and vegetables. These two words may sound alien to you so ask your mom what they are. Also the lack of caffeine in your diet may result in poor gaming performance, but that's okay. It just means you're ready to face the real world.

Another important thing to bear in mind is that you cannot go out of the house smelling like your parent's basement. Regular showers and some cologne should do the trick.

STEPPING OUT

Now it's time to face the Sun. Ahh, the Sun - the sphere of hot plasma supplying energy for life on Earth. Draw out the curtains in your room and let your eyes adjust to the Sun's rays. You're still not ready for actual human interaction, so start getting the feel of the outside first. Embrace the warmth.

SOCIALISATION

The most dreaded step. How do you interact with another human being? Your first aim should be to have a conversation that lasts more than 10 seconds (too much? Okay, fine 2 seconds). You can practice by messaging random girls on your friend list "Hlw". You most certainly will not get any reply but the purpose of doing this is so that you can get used to rejection which you will inevitably face. Don't get paranoid thinking nobody likes you, because they don't. When you're comfortable getting rejected virtually it's time to get shunned IRL.

If you have completed the above steps it means you are now a fully functioning adult and no longer the reclusive nerd that you used to be. Congratulations on almost having a life!