A guide to soft-launching your new phone on social media

So, what is a "soft launch"? Interestingly, Philip Kotler and Anika, the influencer, will give you the same answer to that question. In layman's terms, a soft launch is a preview given to a restricted audience before a full-scale launch is done. Anika was talking in the context of a new boyfriend, and Philip was talking about marketing. But there's another soft launch that isn't mentioned enough, which is the soft launching of a new phone, specifically, a new iPhone.

By following this guide, you can count on receiving maximum attention from the simple act of replacing your phone. 

Hint at your current phone's imminent death

This is the first step in the soft launching plan and can be executed in various ways. Sharing the first selfie you took with your phone in monotone from your story archives is a subtle undefeated classic. Another more direct approach would be to post a status update notifying your friends how much your phone lags and provide an alternate number to contacting you. Make sure to decline calls and blame it on your phone's dying battery.

Let them know you are considering a purchase

Now that you have made your friends aware of your phone troubles, it's time to keep their interest piqued. If you have a friend with one of the newer phones, make sure to claw at it and remorsefully sigh about how you wish you could buy a similar model. Furthermore, interrogate them on the phone's specifications, covering everything from camera resolution to why the case looks so icky. Take every chance you can to talk about the phone you want so they understand that the new iPhone lives rent-free in your head. For bonus points, put up a story with a question box asking for new phone suggestions.

Glimpses of phone browsing

The third step is deceptively easy, yet the most important to ensure your soft launch is a home run. Make sure to visit a big shopping mall and post many stories of shopping, eating, and doing whatever. Then you have to randomly include a snap of an electronics store in the mix to hint that a new phone is imminent subtly-but-not-so-subtly. If subtlety isn't your forte, you can outright snap photos of your phone perusing journey, but to a less climatic effect.

The Big Reveal

This is the pièce de résistance of the soft-launch. After buying the phone, you can either be straightforward about it or go the mysterious route to keep your friends on their toes. If you prefer being straightforward and kill off all the excitement you've generated, simply upload a photo of your new phone, and just like that you're done.

For the mysterious route, inexplicably post a text story with "Gone but never forgotten," making it seem like a close person passed away. Only to follow it up with a mirror selfie with your old phone, and a picture of your new phone on the next slide.  To say you'll get attention from this would be an understatement.

Alternatively, you can buy a phone without all this fuss and not make it anyone else's business. But that would be, like, such a 2019 thing to do.

Turns out Taaseen Mohammed Islam can write semi-decently at the expense of being able to do basic math. Send him pointers at taaseen.2001@gmail.com