Newly discovered information on basic human decency takes the youth by storm as self-proclaimed sigma male realises food doesn't cook itself faster if you scream at the waiter. As Greek alphabetical males across the country finally figure out that they cannot treat people outside home the way they treat women at home, mass hysteria shakes the nation.

After getting kicked out of a restaurant in Dhaka for howling at the waiter, the alleged sigma male told the press, "As superheroes, we deserve more respect from society, least of all from the people that our false sense of pride lets us scream at – the waiters, rickshaw-pullers, chauffeurs, and security guards. Our superpower is that if we scream loud enough, we get prioritised the way we want to and get our work done."

"Take a typical day at my household, for example. Maybe my mother's sick, our helping hand couldn't come and lunch is a bit delayed. But that's none of our concern. We use our superpowers, that is, we scream. And boy does it work! If it doesn't, sometimes my father will join in. We force my sick mother to get up from bed and cook for us because our glorious Bengali culture combines with our fragile male ego and it doesn't let us enter the kitchen for any reason other than asking our mother what's available for lunch. It's a bird, it's a plane? No! It's my genetically inherited delusion of social superiority. It's Bengali Man!" he went on.

"I grew up watching my father use his superpower almost the entire time he was home, keeping everyone on edge 24/7," sigma male continued.

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"The first time I watched my father assault a rickshaw-puller over 10 Taka, I found my idol. My father, like every other Bengali parent, wasn't aware of the fact that children learn from their parents and currently wonders why I turned out the way I did. With each violent interaction my father had with my mother, my urge to grow up and emulate my dad and use my superpower to scream at the women around me increased exponentially. They say your dad's your superhero. Well, my superhero taught me that whenever something doesn't go your way, screaming is the appropriate response. When that scream hits my ears, it's not just a call. It's a warning, it's raw energy, it's power. It's power that I want, and will have," the guy couldn't stop.

Sigma's tendency to scream grew exponentially over the years. However, all hell broke loose when sigma finally realised, he could spread his screaming expertise outside home.

"When I went to the restaurant and saw someone else get the food before me, my natural reaction was to scream at the waiter. However, when the manager took me to the kitchen and proved that the chicken wasn't getting grilled any faster no matter how harshly I cursed the waiter, it broke my reality," whimpered the sigma. 

Since this incident, restaurants across the country have started to hang up signs to let patrons know of their newest regulation. "Do not treat waiters the way you treat your mum" – signs read.

Remind Ifti to be quieter at hasiburrashidifti@gmail.com