Rishi Sunak ruins kid’s life as dad finds another person to compare him with

After Satya Nadella and Sundar Pichai became CEOs of major corporations, Shadman Sakib thought his father's taunts couldn't get worse. 

"When my father ridiculed my academic performance by comparing it with that of Sundar Pichai, probably the most overqualified brown kid out there, I thought Abba had reached his peak. There's no way the guilt trip could get worse," said Shadman. 

However, after Rishi Sunak, the whitest brown person in the world became the Prime Minister of the UK, Shadman realised what was at bay. 

While the rest of the colonies celebrated the fact that they'll finally get to play the UNO reverse card on the British Empire, Shadman knew that Rishi Sunak is just the latest update in his father's "overachieving brown kids to compare my child with" collection. 

"Our nation treats people of deshi origin the way admission coaching centres treat the university entrance exam toppers; the moment someone becomes successful, they claim them to be one of their own," Shadman talked about the Bengali mindset regarding overachieving brown foreigners. "My father has claimed the success of scientists, CEOs, MasterChef finalists and every brown person he saw on TV. He's the kind of person who gets excited when the word 'Bangladesh' gets mentioned in any Netflix show. Yet, when I try to pitch in and claim the ancestry of Hamza Chowdhury, the Bangladeshi-born British footballer, that's a no go! Apparently, the claim is applicable only for academic or financial success in the case of men and cooking in the case of women."

"After the initial panic, I Googled a bit about Rishi Sunak and realised that he was basically a white kid with a brown surname," Shadman continued. "Born and raised in the UK and in privilege, Sunak isn't technically our best shot at getting back at the empire. With all due respect, the honourable Prime Minister getting labelled deshi sounds as forced as Bangladeshi teenagers putting on the Canadian flag in their Instagram bio minutes after landing in Vancouver."

However, Shadman's father was adamant about sticking with his claims. "It's the surname that matters when it comes to taking credit," he said. "Now that Rishi Sunak, with an Economics and an MBA degree, has become Prime Minister, these wretched Bangladeshi kids can no longer use BBA as an excuse for having an underpaid job. If you're a 30-year-old with an MBA degree and aren't already a political mastermind or a corporate extortionist, you're definitely doing something wrong."

Now that someone from colonised ancestry has become the prime minister of the colonisers, the hopes of subcontinental people have gone up. "We're now certain that we can bring any change we want to. Democracy, freedom of speech, incorruptible administration, employers hiring fresh graduates without extorting them, and cheaper potato crackers. We can aim for anything now," said Shadman's father. "Rishi Sunak's rise to power proves that regardless of your ancestral background, the colour of your skin or the social stigma, with sheer hard work, willpower and dedication, you can also be a pretentious white man."

"The day my deshi son will be qualified enough to be treated as a white man in the west, I'll finally be able to rest in peace," he continued. "As long as he graduates from a public university, of course."

Remind Ifti to be quieter at hasiburrashidifti@gmail.com