“Ignorance about your undergraduate major is completely normal,” VC says in freshers’ orientation

Bidirectional University (BDU) warmly welcomed the newly enrolled batch of undergraduate investors students of Bhepsha 2021 semester, through an orientation ceremony held at BDU Auditorium and Community Centre, held earlier this week.

VC of BDU Dr Jordan Jailfort was the chief guest of honour at the programme. In his speech, he gave the freshers an idea of what to expect in the next four years.

Dr. Jordan said, "Your parents forced you to get enrolled in any one of the departments. Whether it is the BBA department, or any one of the other 43 made-up engineering departments, at the end of the next four years, irrespective of your major, you will all be left with something in common — empty pockets."

"Our campus is as small as your self-respect, so make yourselves at home. The canteen food is overpriced and the chicken is stale enough to finally make you consider eating vegetables. The security guards are present 24/7 to shame people for holding hands. You, the students, are always welcome to talk about any sort of mental or physical 'discomfort' you might be facing from seniors, just don't expect us to listen," he added.

As students started to look dumbfounded, halfway through his speech, Dr. Jordan quickly reminded them of the recreational facilities available.

"We have 18 mandatory concerts each semester, and 27 clubs. Although 24 of them are not worth it, and are only there to help with some accounting errors, I'm pleased to announce that a team from our business club came second in a local competition. This gave the club a much needed confidence boost to change its name to BDU MAYBE," said Dr. Jordan.

He continued, "We also have a mandatory residential semester which offers the opportunity for students to learn a wide range of skills, to find temporary relationships and to gain questionable experiences they will regret for the rest of their undergraduate lives."

Having been repeatedly reminded to talk about academics, he hesitantly said, "BDU always tries to find and dedicate the finest resources to its students. Our highest grade is A, for which you'll have to get more than 95 out of 100. A+ is available upon special requests."

"We have recently initiated a 'Sliding into Your MBA' programme for our beloved students, which allows them to graduate if they press the right arrow key on their keyboard long enough with their lecture notes open. Of course, students will have to pay extra to unlock premium features of the lectures," he said with a wink. "All freshers will be provided with a YouTube Premium subscription so that they can watch Indian tutorial videos and pass their semesters."

After 68 minutes and multiple yawns from the crowd, the VC finally ended his speech on an inspirational note.

"Remember, having no real idea about your major after four years of university is completely normal. Life is an ocean of opportunities, BDU is a sinking boat and you can't swim, but hey, at least you have your degree."

Hasib Ur Rashid Ifti reads books, idolizes Osamu Dazai and plans to check his email any day now. Send him book suggestions at: hasiburrashidifti@gmail.com

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