Tips for learning to drive

For all of you above eighteen, your most recent birthday means more than adulthood and a national ID. It means you're allowed to get a driver's license and finally go for those joyrides you love, legally. However, not everyone is born with the skill of Michael Schumacher, so let me teach you the way of the vehicle before you run all the pedestrians over.

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING: Driving is sort of like a Mexican stand-off. The first person to flinch and show weakness loses. This is why you should aim to look as calm and collected as you can. Always bring sunglasses to your driving lessons, especially if you're taking lessons in the evening. Most instructors will tell you to look at the road, but your coolio shades will ensure the road will be looking at you. Thus the road will adjust itself to your haphazard driving and your lessons will go ever so smoothly. Bonus points if you put on smooth jazz in the car stereo.

START YOUR ENGINES: Once you're in the car, you can't take off like you just finished eating at a wedding. You need to respect the vehicle first, which means checking if the rear view mirror and side mirrors are all in the right place. Then you need to stroke the steering wheel for five minutes, at which point you turn the key and start the engine. Sometimes the vehicles provided by driving schools lack side and rear view mirrors. In those scenarios you improvise and check other things like how far the seats are reclined, and whether or not the car has a radio. The last one is important because Tyler Joseph already warned the world of the perils of not having a car radio.

NOT FAST BUT VERY FURIOUS, BD DRIFT: Most training cars are dreadfully slow, but that doesn't mean you have to keep your alternate ricer ego in check. Driving lessons are the perfect place to showcase your drifting skills, especially when travelling at 20 kph. Your tires may not skid, and you may not get the smell of burning rubber, but the annoyed looks you'll receive from everyone else on the road will justify the effort. You're not the one doing anything wrong, don't worry. They just can't understand how you're made for speed and that your talents would be wasted driving like a rational human being.

AVOIDING PEDESTRIANS: The second most common thing you'll see on the road after potholes, are pedestrians. There is no escaping them, as they will take up your space and your line of sight no matter where you go. As mentioned in the introduction, we do not want to run them over. Thus, the best way to deal with their presence is to get creative. Get out your old nerf arsenal and water guns. With these, you're going to make those jaywalkers regret the day they decided to cross your road. Batter them with foam bullets and douse them in water until they back off out of your lane. Either that or they surround you and beat you up. It's got to be one or the other.

With a heart of ash and a PC of potato, Wasique Hasan could use some help. Send memes to cheer him up at facebook.com/hasique.wasan