Things I've Learned as a Professional - Third-Wheeler

The first thing you must be wondering as you begin to read this is "What even is a professional third wheeler?" Well, to my personal belief, anyone who has been a third wheel for 5 couples or have exceeded that number should count as a professional third-wheeler. These professional third-wheelers tend to know all the tricks of the trade, and generally have a more of an objective view of a relationship than the parties involved in the relationship themselves. And after 20 years of professional third-wheeling, this third-wheeler has a few words of wisdom to share:

1) It's always for the free food: Sometimes you might feel awkward that you've pulled your friend along with you on your date – either out of guilt or because you don't want your parents to find out that you are with a member of the opposite sex. And that friend has inevitably ended up third-wheeling, which probably makes you feel guiltier. But fear not, there is a solution: Free food. None of the third-wheelers really care about being left out all that much as long as there is food. Third wheelers know there is a reason you pulled them there – whether out of guilt or to successfully lie to your parents. It's cool. As long as there's free food.

2) Don't talk to me, talk to each other: Why is this something that even needs to be said? If you are in a relationship with someone and bothered by something that someone does, talk to him/her about it. Not to the third wheel. The third wheel doesn't care. The third wheel only wants food. Also the third wheel can't really do much. So talk to your significant other. It's much more of an effective solution.

3) You're both probably wrong: The not-so-elusive third wheel always has the perks of being the objective entity when the couple gets into a fight. They are the fair third eye. All of that jazz. And from the very fair and objective perspective it's always obvious to point out that in a fight, generally, both people are wrong. It's easy to pretend it's always the other person's fault, but honestly, you always have some fault of your own. Even if the tiniest, own up to it, communicate. Not with the third wheel, with your significant other.

4) Sisters should be over misters, sometimes: Third wheelers don't mind third wheeling unless of course you're making them third wheel all the time. If you were planning on spending the day with your friend, don't randomly just call your significant other over. We get it you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, so does a significant number of the population of upper middle class youth in Dhaka. It's nothing special. I'm sorry. 

5) You can tell us to leave: I mean it, we don't mind. We understand that you need your privacy, and as third wheelers – we're always happy to accommodate. Just give us food before we leave.

Fatimah Akhtar is a food and fiction enthusiast with a soft spot for bulldogs. Redirect all your complaints, queries, and feedbacks to her at fatimahaakhtar@gmail.com.