Bangladeshi-Origin Agency wins GAG Prize

AFFFP, Dhaka

In a glitzy affair in Bangladesh's capital, Dhaka, The prestigious GAG (Greatest Award Getter) will be bestowed upon the Bangladesh Agency of Intelligence, Misinformation And Nincompoops (BAIMAN), the group that uncovered one of the most International of all conspiracies in the history of time. The BAIMAN, an elite security-apparatus formed in the year 2008 to combat whoever the bad guy is according to the Party Line, recently unmasked a ploy where Myanmarese drug manufacturers were using the areas of India to manufacture drugs made from chemicals exported from Pakistan, funded by a cabal of American and Mexican drug pins who gained power using Russian-made arms.

In an unprecedented move, eight of nine nuclear armed countries agreed for only the second time in history- all nine had previously agreed once before when they opposed UN's latest attempt at a nuclear weapons ban- to firmly acknowledge BAIMAN as thoroughly deserving of the GAG. “The GAG is one of the most prestigious and obviously the best award which recognises both the individual and collective will of everyday people to overcome insurmountable obstacles and become CHANGEMAKERS, the latest buzz word,” Frank Lee Schtupid, the secretary of GAG said. He said it was in this spirit, along with their shared love for the nukes, that brought all these countries together.

While the agency has kept mum on the award so far, there have been plans to re-create the magic of Bob Dylan's, “I was speechless for almost two weeks,” speech. “We are not sure whether to accept this award or not. If we do it too soon people will call us the puppet of those who actually fund things like GAG and if we don't, we may lose face on an international stage. Our agents are thoroughly used to being nationally shamed for our general ineffectiveness but to be humiliated globally is a whole different thing,” a spokesperson for BAIMAN said under the condition of anonymity.

This year, like all others, the GAG has not been without further controversies. The decision to fly in representatives from all of the nine powerful nations who matter the most in Pink fighter jets has already been met with ridicule. The fact that Israel are supplying the jets in a show of support for breast cancer awareness has been ridiculed with detractors pointing to the irony of this same nation denying cancer patients treatment in Gaza. “Breast Cancer kills women and we need people to be aware of this everyday. Fighter Jets don't kill…oh, never mind,” a flustered Israeli spokesperson said, leaving the press conference by unendingly calling everyone an anti-Semite.

Furthermore, the notable absence of a Pakistani representative has also not been well –received. “They steal the jobs of our talentless and less-attractive looking actors,” an Indian spokesperson said, explaining the reason behind their omission. The last chunk of controversy fell on the Bangladeshi government who had picked Korail, one of the largest slums in the country, for hosting the gala event. “These people here? We even took their boats. Now we will surround them with the naval force. That is the only way we can assure everyone's security without having to shut the country down,” an organiser of the event said. “It's fine. We are basically a test lab for NGOs who start all their silly pilot projects here. We pretend it works, say a few sentences in English and they let us be. This can't be worse than having to do that every other day,” a resident of Korail told this correspondent.

While the outcome of the GAG is assured, whether all will go well is still in doubts. After last year's GAG recipient Hillary Clinton, who won on the basis of having an “honestly better than Trump and more experience” as her only success being proven to be a farce, was stripped of her title, the GAG committee hopes no such thing happens this year. “I plead guilt to being a slightly liberal with a hint of conservative and a little right and left leaning but that doesn't make me a failure or a liar. I am a woman, first and foremost!” Hillary said but only the FBI seem to be paying any attention to her these days. The success of the awards remains to be seen but Bangladesh's glory has certainly increased in valuation.



Cartoon: Ehsanur Raza Ronny