Experiencing spiritual guilt in Ramadan

Last year, I'd stayed up on the eve of Eid helping out. But, by the end of the night, the tingling excitement of the day ahead of me turned into lamenting over Ramdan having passed again. Right before Fajr, standing in the balcony of my room, I immersed myself in the stillness of dawn waiting to hear the call for prayer at a distant mosque as I accepted the departure.

There often seems to be a yard span distance between our expectations from ourselves and reality. I cannot remember the last time I was able to pull an all-nighter for acing a test the following morning and actually succeeding in that endeavor. We have all been there and perhaps orchestrated many such intricate routines for ourselves, many of which we were not able to follow through.

The blame for such an occurrence cannot be entirely on us. After all, our regular schedules are often packed and punctuated by unanticipated obstacles.

When it comes to Ramadan, we build grand aspirations. While it is better than not having any plans at all, the forecasts for the month's schedules and expectations from ourselves can often be a little overambitious. Usually, by the end of it all, it leaves me with a nagging sense of inadequacy and a hint of disdain for my other daily responsibilities, which I feel have robbed me of sacred moments of spirituality.

And as if my spirituality is on a deadline every Ramadan, I am left with the guilt of not pushing myself to do more to savour the time.

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I should add that I do think this spiritual guilt isn't necessarily wrong. In many ways, this feeling makes me take Ramadan more seriously than I'd done back in my school days when we would get the entire month off.

I am also learning to see that perhaps the guilt isn't necessary to begin with. At the end of the day, we all have our roles in this world. The blessed month comes and slips away quickly and all we could wish is that we could have appreciated it more. This mirrors the other blessings in our lives – ones with a limited time span which we might take for granted. Rather than seeing them as a barrier and fuel to our spiritual guilt, we could perhaps take the time to become more appreciative of all the aspects and opportunities we are presented with.

With my life becoming busier every passing year, the challenge of multitasking and beating the physical exhaustion that anchors me to my bed keeps evolving. So, this Ramadan, I will perhaps again fall short of some my goals and the guilt is most likely here to stay for some time to come. But it marks the start of me embracing the beauty of our imperfect journeys towards spirituality and looking for the sincerity in however grand or seemingly small our acts of worship may be.