My lone battle

A part of my soul is dead, and the other half is dying a slow death. Amid such painful existence, how do I breathe every day and carry on with my duties each day? It's a question I ask myself continuously.

Depression is a personal fight, people urge you to share, in fact, sharing the pain is the ultimate cure for depression. Yet, there are days when you just don't feel like opening your eyes, let alone getting up from the bed and running the daily errands.

Maintaining the day to day routine becomes a chore; yet for me, someone who is a mother, a wife, and a daughter, not to forget a professional; how do I fight my desire to not do a thing and brood while being confined in this dark tunnel that I am currently in? The walk inside my head is so long and dark that sometimes I truly want to find another door and walk into a happier dimension.

But there is no denying the reality. You cannot escape your present state without actually confronting it, holding it by the neck and pushing it out of your mind. Because for me, the day is waiting. I need to tend to my child's needs, let the cook know the day's menu, inquire about the doctor's appointment for my mother; fix the photoshoot date, arrange the meeting, and fill my magazine pages.

Me being a responsible adult, do I have the time to sit and talk my way out of my depression? I know that there are so many like me, middle-aged woman, housewives, professionals, who are fighting the ailment and at the same time, maintaining real life without a glitch. It is taxing to play-act that you are normal when clearly nothing in your life is anywhere near normal.

I am brooding, I am worried, I feel tensed, these are my normal emotions that I can handle. But I don't know how to handle depression, which is not a make-believe fancy nuance that will go away once the fad is over. No, you need to have the strength to work on it.

There are days that are so dark and gloomy, instances when ending the life seems the only plausible way out, there are times when you are agitated and even seeing the face of your loved ones trigger angst in you, there are times when you feel like blaming the entire universe for conspiring against you. Yet, there are days when you feel you can do this, you can find the way out, see light at the end of that dreary tunnel.

The constant swinging of the emotions, erodes your sensibility and there are times when you find yourself shrouded in lonesomeness and dejection; strong enough to think twice about going on. But like I have mentioned, depression is a reality and you need to go to a counsellor, a psychotherapist to find your way out of that yonder.

Today of all days is a good day to confront your demons and thrash them out, even if the euphoria lasts only for a day or two. Get out of bed, water your plants, tend to your favourite ferns, see how the monstera leaf is curling its way into a frond, play with your pets, make your favourite dessert, better still, try your hand at that London Cheesecake recipe by Nigella Lawson, watch a series — The Politician or Peaky Blinders. Try and take your mind off that hurt, that wound, which never seems to heal.

Depression needs to be tackled. Seek help, even if you think things like you can fight it by yourself, it will go away, or all you need to do is face the day against your will. Trust me, depression lingers on and eats at your soul, slowly extinguishing the fire inside, until there is only a flicker of your past self.