After years of impeccable consistency in creating catchy jingles, local telco RuralPhone won the Grammy last week for "Best Telco Jingle".

However, the producers couldn't join the online event owing to connection problems as they were using RuralPhone 4.75G internet. 

In a press conference, RuralPhone CEO appreciated users for their support, "Other telcos try shoving annoying ditties into users' faces and make underpaid actors act like a man-child in weird costumes in a desperate attempt to connect to the youth. But RuralPhone believes in creating truly soulful music. For that, if we have to sacrifice petty factors like network quality, user experience, internet speed and affordability, so be it! I would like to dedicate this award to every user who stole money from their dad's wallets to buy our exorbitant internet packages. Stealing from a thief somehow makes me feel good about my own moral compass."

"Authority repaid our contribution to the music industry by barring us from selling SIM cards!" argued a RuralPhone executive after BTRC banned them from scamming new subscribers, "Sure, our service is a joke and it costs a few bucks more than its contemporaries, but which commodity doesn't in 2022?"

"Are you stipulating the recent hike in oil prices?" asked a journalist.

"No, you fool. I'm talking about more profitable and indispensable commodities like education, healthcare and basic needs like the internet!" he explained, "The RuralPhone experience is like a long-term relationship you're too scared to get out of. Sure, you've thought of leaving your partner, but watching your friends go through much worse somehow makes you consider holding on to yours. Anyways, it's been 8 minutes since the interview started and my internet package is over. If you'll excuse me, I'll have to cash this cheque at the bank to buy the new 500 MB bundle pack."

"It's simple arithmetic, really," said an underpaid engineer at RuralPhone, "The amount we need to spend on fixing our service is much more than our annual music budget. When users wouldn't stop whining about getting 2G in their bedroom or not being able to call an ambulance during an emergency due to network issues, we drop the hottest song in town and everyone's like – 'My appendicitis burst out for not getting an ambulance on time, but hey, at least the song isn't half bad!'"

After winning the Grammy, DJ Jingle shared his journey with us, "When my guru taught me the ancient art of music, he knew I'd grow up to sell 2 GB internet to the world. But with RuralPhone, I had to sell crappy internet packs without being able to talk about them. I had to make users hum a song produced by a corporation that thrives on extorting them. It was a difficult challenge. So, I decided to capitalise on nostalgia, nationalism and try to connect ourselves to women's rights, social discrimination and other irrelevant issues we pretend to care about."

After bagging the Grammy, RP is now eyeing the Oscars. The telco's recent advertisement narrates a heartfelt conversation between a poor father and his daughter over a video call using RuralPhone Internet. RP is reportedly going to submit the ad under the Fantasy Fiction genre as there's no way a commoner can afford their internet in the real world.

Remind Ifti to be quieter at hasiburrashidifti@gmail.com