Love – the best revenge

There is no silver bullet for raising a child since parenting is a complex task with uncertain outcomes. Perhaps the hardest part of parenting is imparting a value system to children. It's hard because values are often subject to cultural, ethnic and social biases. Generally, parents want to inculcate ethical behaviour, and respect for others' rights and tolerance for diversity in their offspring. At the same time they hope that their children are able to cope adequately with emerging personal and professional challenges. The overall objective is to create a balanced and harmonious society.

Sadly, we now live in a post-truth era where fake news and conspiracy theories are driving political and personal agendas. The most disturbing aspect of this phenomenon is that well crafted lies and hate rhetoric circulated in the social and mainstream media are impacting the views and actions of impressionable young people.

I grew up at a time when the influence of the media was relatively low and our thinking was primarily shaped by our parents and teachers. They encouraged us to pursue our goals with zest, but in the backdrop of certain ethical codes. Honesty, respect, love and compassion were an integral part of one's core education. We could not lie our way to the top or be so blinded by the need to succeed that we would forget to show compassion toward the less privileged. These rules were considered to be immutable in the equation of life, whether we reached for the stars or were satisfied with mediocrity. I tried instilling the same values in my children. But sometimes I wonder if these principles are applicable in today's social set up which tolerates - and to an extent encourages - employing "any means" to attain the pinnacles of success. Unfortunately, some of these so-called "successful" people are on the first rungs of sociopathy—yet they wield tremendous influence over our world. Does this mean that we need to revisit the lessons of "right and wrong" and recalibrate our moral barometer for the next generation?

Perhaps yes. It seems that to withstand the pressures of this new world order, young people need to acquire some "dark traits" like aggression, ruthlessness and the ability to counter manipulative moves with determination and, maybe, a degree of chicanery. Instructing children to be simply "good" would make them unprepared for life. For, in the current context, the "nice" kid who was academically brilliant but achieved little due to a lack of aggressive or manipulative skills is probably an object of pity for his peers – his goodness hardly a consolation for failure. There is no place even in fiction for heroes, like Dickens' Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities), who sacrificed his life for his love.

As I was struggling with these complex and disturbing thoughts, something close to home restored my faith in the power of innate human goodness and the magical effect it can have in snuffing out hatred and negativity. A few days back I attended the launching ceremony of the Abinta Kabir Foundation. Nineteen-year-old Abinta's promising life was cut short last July in the tragedy at the Holey Artisan Bakery. Her family decided to honour Abinta's wish to improve the lives of less privileged children in the community by creating a Foundation to help them. What moved me most at the launch event was the absence of recrimination and anger. The entire effort was focused on serving a worthy cause and keeping Abinta's dream alive.

In the face of extreme grief, it is natural for a hate victim's family to become angry and vindictive. But Abinta's parents and grandparents sought an enlightened revenge. They made a loud and clear statement to the world: "Hatred took our daughter, and hatred is what we shall fight with our love." By tackling violence with compassion they have defeated the real enemies in our society – the ideologues who disseminate the culture of hate.

The road taken by Abinta's family may be the one less travelled. It is a hard and tricky road, but the precept serves as a reminder that each one of us can try in our small way to reinstate the core values of love and compassion in a world where violence and bigotry are gaining ground. However, to withstand the vicissitudes of life we may need to acquire a slight dose of devilish attributes – just enough to resist unfairness, hate and intolerance. But the balance must always tip in favour of goodness.

And this is the lesson I wish to teach my grandchildren.

The writer is a renowned Rabindra Sangeet exponent and a former employee of the World Bank.