How to breathe in Dhaka

Bengalis of yore never had to deal with The Return of Xunayed or unsolicited text messages from Darun Offer. We accept these things as the consequence of technological advancement, but why should we also have to worry about our breathing? Yet this is now necessary in fair Dhaka town. The slow poison of dust and other air pollutants can only be dispelled by decisive policy action. 

Since that isn't happening you had best learn to take care of yourself and your loved ones.

It is possible to adapt your physiognomy to breathe as little as possible [citation needed]. This would be a good first step. Many high altitude peoples – Tibetans, Ethiopians, Andeans, etc. – are genetically different from other humans, living in conditions most of our species would die in. We Dhakaites should feel a kinship to them, for we too have specially evolved to inhabit an otherwise lethal environment. 

Seek out some black market Andean DNA to genetically splice into your own body. This will be quick but could go a little wrong. Check your sources carefully. Assuming the process works there will be likely side effects: you might find yourself inordinately interested in llamas and pining for Rangamati.

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What air pollution is doing to the youth

Next you should consider the creation of safe zones. You can't help that the outside resembles the end of the Dubai sequence in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, but you can do something about the dust in your own home. Yes you can take out the broom and the cloth and give everything a good cleaning but you don't read SHOUT for another reminder to do your chores. Instead I recommend constructing an air filtration system to cover every entry point in your home. You could even invest in a very big bubble. These are both fiscally responsible responses to air pollution from SHOUT's student demographic.

Whatever your chosen method, make sure you use it at every location important to you. Make a safe zone at your school, at your local tong, at your workplace and the homes of such friends as you may have. Don't try to cover your significant others' place, because that's way too much commitment at your age and their parents won't like it. We know you love them, but give them space.

The bubble is also a tactic for protecting yourself on your daily commute. Failing that there are a variety of very good masks available from China (where the sun is a myth). There are some dangers to being a young person running around in a face-covering mask, but so long as the police don't see you it should be fine.

Verticality offers some interesting options for traveling. Most of the bad stuff happens at more or less ground level, so if you were to hover well above the city nothing should touch you. Your university's EEE club can help you: just ask them to make their hexacopter project a bit bigger, and then steal their work while they aren't looking. In my experience no EEE student can refuse the siren call of a Marvel movie. Distract your friends with tickets to Logan.

Like Icarus you can then fly above the filth of the Earth, but beware the sun. Keep water with you to guard against dehydration, and remember to pack a parachute. Your hexacopter was made on the funds a private university allocated for one of its clubs, after all. It's probably put together with Scotch tape.

So having genetically-modified yourself to become mixed race, attained flight by breaking the trust of your friends, and fortified your areas of interest with sterility bubbles, you can finally breathe like it's 1999.

Zoheb Mashiur is a prematurely balding man with bad facial hair and so does his best to avoid people. Ruin his efforts by writing to zoheb.mashiur@gmail.com