The Price of a Sentence

Illustration: Kazi Tahsin Agaz Apurbo

"If you turn on TV, all you see's a bunch of "what the [expletive]"

Dude is dating so and so blabbering bout such and such.

And that ain't Jersey Shore, homie that's the news

And these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth"

— Lupe Fiasco, Words I Never Said

Dear World, 

On the occasion of the World Press Freedom Day, we wanted to provide a stern reminder that we are a completely [censored] media without any government or corporate influence. We function as a fully independent body that serves to provide a plurality in our voice so as to not only accommodate but empower the ideals of [censored]. Of course, as demonstrated succinctly with the quote above, we still cannot curse, but come on, that's disgusting. We swear we are [censored]. Please believe us. We are writing this today with no guns to our head. We are not saying this out of fear. Everything we do is in your interest and we keep your interests forever in our pockets. Today, we are free and we are brave. Did we mention that we were free? 

The history of the power of our newspapers go back a long way. In 1856, we had our first newspaper, the Dacca News. The newspaper was owned by five owners, a mix of Brits and zamindars. When riot broke out between the British indigo planters and the Bengali peasants, the Dacca News captured the very essence of the fight, helping to shape the nature of national discourse on the issue. The Dacca News worked hard and bravely to ensure people understood the message packaged in sexy, sexy, simplicity: English Indigo Planters Good. Bengali Peasants Bad. Since then, the media has never backed off from taking up a position on certain issues, even if it means sacrificing some of the plurality we were speaking of. After all, it was sometime around the late 80s when journalists became the first breed of Social Justice Warriors, no longer satisfied with reporting stuff but forcefeeding you opinions they were paid to have. Great job, I tell you. 

To preserve this very plurality, in 1857, we had the Gagging Act. This unfortunately named act made it compulsory to have licensing for running or owning printing presses. The government of course decided who to give the licensing to. Dissenting voices were shut down but those that really, really cared could have just given Facebook status updates. Status updates are now more reliable than news itself, so we cannot imagine why this would not have been the case in 1857. By making sure no one printed anything [censored], the government protected the sanctity of the press. Of course, while this law was soon repealed, better ones followed. The famous Official Secrets Act, for instance, in laymen terms ensures that no one can legally report on anything that happens on government land, without express consent of the government. Why? Because if the government needed governing, would we even need a government? 

Currently, the media can be said to enjoy more freedom than ever before. In fact, some journalists are so free (of all burdens), they aren't even considered alive. Then there are some journalists who are so free that they literally have to be jailed. Why? Because of TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. Too much freedom actually harms us. Thus, there is a law that forbids us to incite people. And knowing you lot, absolutely anything can incite you. The pages of newspapers and social media are full of commentators wanting to hang people over one issue or another. Car accident? Hang them. Kidnapping? Hang them. It's the Rose Circle the country over. We, the

Bangladeshis, are a blood-thirsty lot moonlighting as developmental workers. In Bengali, we call it "kashi hoile, fashi chai". Regardless of the very real challenges of not provoking this bunch of savages, our newspapers and media are very, very free. 

In fact, it is in our laws to have freedom of thought and conscience, subject to, of course, needful restrictions such as those imposed by laws all in the interests of our society, friendly relations we may share with a naughty neighbour who may be offended, decency and morality, two crucial but vague nouns. The government has indeed been generous enough to allow us the right to think things on our own. Whatever they may be. As long as we don't speak, write or draw them. What other government is that generous?

In conclusion, yes there are things we cannot speak of. Some lands will be stolen and we will keep mum. Sometimes, waters will be sold and we will keep mum. All powerful people who do wrong will never be named and shamed, but steal some bread and we will find your name, your village, your father's name and your wife's name. Steal some poor people's land or cut down trees and we will call you "vested quarter" or "local influential leaders". 

That's how this works. Some words we won't use because people can be impressionable. The government can do no wrong. True patriots can do no wrong. The upper class can do no wrong. We will self-police us because we need to. But no one will ever police us. The media in Bangladesh is absolutely free. And honestly, no one wants another Inqilab. Now, world, bump us up the Index and leave us alone. 

Yours truly, 

[Censored]