Normalise happy divorces, not unhappy marriages

The Parliamentary Standing Committee on the Ministry of Women and Children Affairs has reportedly expressed "deep concerns" over the increasing number of divorces in Bangladesh. Following a meeting where this so-called grave issue afflicting the nation was discussed by our lawmakers, one MP went so far as to blame "drugs and TikTok" for the sharp rise in divorces, suggesting that social media sites be banned to save the sanctity of marriage.

In a country where lawmakers can condone crossfires in parliament, it is hardly shocking that MPs would make problematic and reductive comments without care. Yet, we can't help but be surprised that a parliamentary committee that is tasked with upholding the rights and dignity of women and girls should find no issue of more urgent socio-political and economic importance to highlight than the rising rate of divorces—that, too, at a time when child marriage rates are at an all-time high, women are being harassed and violated both within and outside home, migrant female workers are returning home abused and empty-handed, and female garment workers are struggling to survive on their meagre wages.

If nothing else, the committee's statements on the issue depict an alarmingly narrow understanding of an evolving society, the lived realities of women, and the patriarchal structures that continue to constrain women's true emancipation.

The committee is, however, correct in their observation that divorce rates are increasing across the country at a dramatic rate. The Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics (BBS) recorded a 34 percent rise in divorce applications in just seven years back in 2018. Since then, the numbers have only shot up, particularly during the pandemic: in 2021, there was almost a 14 percent hike after the Covid outbreak in 2020, with double the number of women serving divorce notices than men. Officials of the city corporations in Dhaka, which register divorces, stated that well-educated, professional and wealthy women were comparatively filing more divorce suits.

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Parliamentary body blames drugs, extramarital affairs for rise in divorces

There's no doubt that many like the parliamentary committee members see these numbers as a premonition of the apocalypse. For them, these divorces—especially the ones initiated by women—denote moral decay and the breakdown of long-held cultural values. But as long as we are citing statistics, here's another one to consider: 51 percent of women aged 15-49 years in Bangladesh have experienced physical or sexual violence by their partners during their lifetimes, according to a report of the World Health Organization (WHO). The question then is not why women are leaving their husbands, but why more women are not leaving their abusers.

In a culture that thinks a woman's primary goal in life is marriage, a premature end to it is logically seen as the worst possible outcome—not a lifetime of unhappiness and compromises, not physical and verbal abuse, not even death. That's why we'd rather see a woman rot in a violent marriage, bearing the brunt of a toxic partner's whims and abuses for a lifetime, than have the courage to call it quits and dream of a better life for herself. We'd rather have a woman's nose and eyes gouged out in front of her five-year-old daughter, than her make the "selfish" decision to leave him. We'd rather have a woman be publicly policed and humiliated by her husband in front of their son, than stand up to him and demand that she be treated with respect. After all, isn't that what women have done for centuries—sacrifice their lives at the altar of men's egos?

Despite what the numbers might imply, divorce is still a taboo in Bangladesh. Even for educated women who come from privileged families, the decision to end a marriage is a difficult one, not least because it is a lonely, convoluted and emotionally draining process for everyone involved. The endless barrage of prying and insensitive questions from family, friends and not-so-well-wishers are enough to push even the most grounded of women into depression, anxiety and a host of other mental disorders. The omnipresent fear of "what will people say" deters many women from doing what they know deep down they should. I know too many women—all educated and successful in their fields—stuck in unhappy marriages, who are constantly performing the part of the happy and dutiful wife to avoid public scrutiny and criticism.

We'd rather see a woman rot in a violent marriage, bearing the brunt of a toxic partner's whims and abuses for a lifetime, than have the courage to call it quits and dream of a better life for herself.

— Sushmita S Preetha

If society is this harsh against women in abusive marriages, can you imagine its reaction when a woman decides to end her marriage—or when two people in a marriage make a mutual decision—because they are no longer in love or feel they are incompatible with each other? Society insists on reducing a personal decision between two people into a melodramatic public event requiring endless investigation: Was he violent? Was he having an affair? Is he on drugs? Was she a bad wife? Did she have an affair? Is she too focused on her career? It is inconceivable to us that two people can reach a logical conclusion to end their marriage because it's simply not working out. This is not to say that marriage isn't hard work, and that we should simply give up—divorce should be and most often is the last case scenario—but marriage shouldn't be a prison from which there is no escape. 

People often ask: What about the children? Won't they be broken if they come from broken families? I do not disagree that divorces can have grave psychological impacts on children, but so can seeing their parents constantly fight and squabble with each other, or suffer from clinical depression, or worse, witnessing their mother violently beaten or berated by their father. Why do we never question the psychological impact on children stuck between two parents in an unhappy marriage? More often than not, it is society that insists on "othering" and bullying the children who come from divorced families. Instead of normalising unhappy marriages, we ought to normalise happy separations. Instead of making a child from a divorced family feel "broken," we ought to make them understand that there are many computations of happy families. If we really care about children, then we should really shake off our prejudices and create a conducive environment for them to flourish.

We should, if not celebrate, at least appreciate the fact that, despite the taboo surrounding divorce, even in urban areas and among privileged classes, more and more women are now brave enough to decide what the best course of action for them and their children is, instead of suffering in silence to appease society. More importantly, more and more women now have the financial independence to carry out these difficult decisions—they no longer have to remain subservient to the whims of their husbands or wishes of their parents because they have nowhere else to go.

If the parliamentary committee really wants to bring down the rate of divorces, their focus should be on sensitising men to be better and more sensitive partners and fathers. Instead of forcing young people to rush into marriage, we as a society should enable them to be emotionally and financially capable before they choose their partners. Marriage should be a choice, not a compulsion.

Sushmita S Preetha is a journalist and researcher.