Our selfish obsession with becoming parents

A nosy parker asks, "Why aren't you having kids yet? You've been married for two years already! Why the delay? Your biological clock is ticking! You'll regret it later!" In my head, I respond, "What's it to you?" Instead, I smile and act like the respectful South Asian wife I'm supposed to be. The nosy parker is not one person; it's everyone, ranging from a precocious 12-year-old to people of older generations.

"You'll make such a cute little mini-Noora," says a well-meaning friend. "A child will strengthen your marriage and anchor your husband," says an acquaintance who has never met my partner. "Motherhood will give your life meaning," says another who believes my life is meaningless at the moment. "You'll die alone," says an elderly man who thinks I need to invest in a backup plan—a child to be my caregiver when I'm senile. Since it's everyone's business to ensure that I produce a child—whether my partner and I are ready for such a commitment or not—I've started questioning myself: Why should I have a child, if we ever do decide to have one? To find the answer, I've looked around at parents and their reasons for having children.

Some have children because they want a miniature version of themselves. A baby that looks like you or your partner, or a mixture of both? That's a selfishly cute reason to produce a mini-you. But why want a mini-you?

A female child is often gifted with a baby doll, essentially moulding her into becoming what society expects of women—a mother. She rocks the baby doll to sleep or pretends to feed it a bottle of fake milk. Being a pretend-mother to a pretend-baby can still be considered somewhat harmless, as long as the child doesn't grow up to think that the pleasure she received from being a role-playing mother is going to be equivalent to the joys of actual motherhood. A real baby is much more than an inanimate toy, with real needs and preferences. According to American author Teal Swan, the real child is a "dysfunctional doll," because they are their own person—something that parents with "doll syndrome" fail to understand. A role-playing mother puts her doll away when she goes to school, but a real mother can't put her child on a shelf when she goes to work. A role-playing mother pretends to feed her doll-baby with imaginary food when she feels like it; a real mother feeds her baby according to the latter's needs.

Having a flesh-and-blood child requires commitment and sacrifices. Dolls remain unchanged, but a child grows up with their own aspirations that may be against their parents' hopes. Are parents ready to accept their children, who may only resemble them in appearances, to be unique individuals and not just an extension of themselves? Will parents care for their children unconditionally and encourage them to form their own identities?

Moreover, many couples in dysfunctional marriages—including my own classmates—decide to have children because they believe having a child will "fix" their marital problems. When a couple decides to take this path, they use the child to their own benefit. In many cases, the marriages remain "unfixed" as the child's birth can't act as a magical love potion that will save the parents' marriage. Ultimately, the child may be raised in a toxic environment, which may cement their mistrust in the institution of marriage.

Furthermore, many say that having children has given them a sense of purpose. Being a parent can be an important part of one's identity, but it can't be one's sole identity. If I'm to introduce myself, I won't say, "My name is XYZ, my husband is ABC, and I'm a mother to Ka-Kha-Ga." I'll tell my name and mention my profession, OR if I'm a full-time mother, I'll say so with pride, and then talk about my passions, interests or hobbies. My mother, who has two Master's degrees from Nagpur University, decided to be a full-time mother until I, her youngest, turned 17. She has authored seven books and conducts online discourse sessions about current social issues. My mother-in-law never had a job, despite having a degree from Dhaka University. She has raised two wonderful children, is a bibliophile and a cinephile, and is currently supervising a humanitarian project in her hometown. Both women had their own identities before becoming mothers; consequently, they didn't feel lost after their children grew up to be independent adults.

Lastly, having children because they'll grow up to be your caregivers when you're too old to look after yourself is an unsolicited advice often given to childless couples. Rearing children with that sort of selfish agenda is highly problematic.

So why have children? I believe there should be one intention behind having children: to raise virtuous human beings, devoid of prejudices and hate, championing love for all. According to the Baha'i philosophy, our purpose, for which we have, "from utter nothingness, stepped into the realm of being, is that [we] may work for the betterment of the world and live together in concord and harmony."

Noora Shamsi Bahar is a writer and translator, and a senior lecturer at the Department of English and Modern Languages in North South University (NSU).